Bakit mo aasahan kung wala na nga?

Cray. Not one, but two.

Nothing.

One minute I was exactly sure what I wanted to do, and then I'm spiraling down the next. It is absolutely cray. Not even reading, or at least a bit of writing. (Though I have pretty much given up on the latter). And the people I've been hanging out with is also absolutely cray. And at times, dumb. Absolutely dumb.

Don't get me wrong. They are fine, very kind people but their beliefs don't exactly match with mine (if I even have one) and their constant you are going to hell and everyone else who is not in our fellowship will go to hell lecture is seriously driving me nuts. You can't even voice out the want to make it big in whatever because they are surely only going to shoot it down with, 'it doesn't matter because one day it will all go away.' Which is true, but that's exactly why I want to experience all those things before we all turn to dust. I'm supposed to spend every waking moment studying the bible or attending their meetings because if not, might as well burn myself now and ready for hell. #cray

I have also stopped running/walking because I am always up late and I find it hard to wake in the morning. I feel very nauseous when I go out for a run with not much sleep (which is everyday) so I just stopped running altogether. I am gaining back weight fast. They call me fat every chance they get. Ang laki talaga ni Erika e no. Pumayat ba? Parang ganon pa rin naman. Dapat pag tumaba ako, magdiet ka na rin, Te ha. Sometimes I think it'd be pretty funky to be stick thin because Lisbeth Sanders, Shane, and Frankie but for the most part I'm okay with my weight now. So I like food. Sue me. I don't care if you daughter is effortlessly thin and acts like she wants to gain weight but really is tiring herself out so she'd lose more so she could "whine" (brag) about it. I don't care. I just want you to leave me and my food alone. I don't care anymore.

It's past six in the morning. I'm debating whether to go to sleep or read. Our living room smells like beer and fart because Mom had friends over last night and they were quite disgusting drunks. One had his son with him and yet he still drank till he disgustingly drunk he was picking fights with the dogs, and the other was hallucinating things like three people inside the blue abandoned house across ours and then another on the first house from the village's gate. And then he sat down in the middle of the street smoking. #seriouslycray #highlangangpeg

I really do not know anymore. Mom is still leading them to believe that my step-father is about to come back when really she has heard a word from him since the year we got back and it's really scaring me out because we owe these people so much and I don't know what we're going to do and I'm just really, really freaked out. I hope they don't see it in my eyes though. I'm bad at keeping emotions like this at bay. Why do you do this, Ma, seriously. #bagongbuhaymyfoot #nyetalangtalaga #PANICPANIC

Guess I'm just going to sleep. I'll go back to my Harry Potter movie marathon when I wake up. Sana rin pagising ko mayaman na ko. Hm. Good night.

Ikaw na ang mag sun bathing sa By The Bay sa Moa kasi super kj lang ng PureGold at ayaw magpapasok. Add to that the fact that we didn't have money for food so we we're just really sitting there the whole time watching people go by with their buko shakes and french fries. 

Although the moms did treat us to Inasal for dinner after the event. But still, ibang klase yung four hours na nganga. 

It was fun though. 

We are so fucked.

Help us God.

Why do I let you ruin my life like this? 

I am not even going to whine about so tired of trying because I am not. I've completely given in and I am hating myself for it.

My life lately consists of waking up early and then read for an hour or two then go back to sleep. When I wake up again, I go shower, (sometimes I don't) and then head out and then don't come back til about midnight. Sometimes I try to clock in more reading time at night but I'm usually too beat (sometimes drunk) to and I just crash right into sleep. And then it's morning and I do the same again.

Am I happy? Nope. But then again, when am I ever happy, really. I am miserable as fuck and I can't stop laughing about them accusing everyone of being an Illuminati. Pati yung kapitbahay namin pinagdidiskitahan. Ewan ko ba. Di ko na talaga alam. 

 I just want to go rent a car and go some place far. Away from here. Clear my head. I just want a girlfriend I can cuddle with. I just want to read Filth, Catching Fire and the rest of Harry Potter. I just want to eat udon and tempura and soba and TAKOYAKI AND YAKINIKU. I just want to play Counter Strike till I'm as good as Eris. I just want to get rid of this stupid feeling that someone is about to blow off on my face and it's going to be disastrous and I'm going to want to kill myself because it's that big of a problem. (Mom, I'm begging you. Please.) I just want to be okay again. 

She had it coming.

Finished a bag of M&Ms in two days, now I'm sick. And I've been doing so good dodging it away whenever offered, keeping cough with phlegm at bay, but that fucking bag of M&Ms, man. Ugh. That Sundae cone we had last night was pretty much the cherry on top. Good job, self. Good job.

Bought a Loki coin bank because..... well, because LOKI. #nuffsaid 

I haven't seen Dad for about two weeks now and I'm in dire need of his company and fresh air but he's too busy. Always too busy. And I can't even complain because I understand he has to work and what not. But sometimes I get these ideas in my head that he really just wants to clock in more time with his girlfriend than with me. Which is understandable too, I guess. I don't know. Issues, Issues.

NB has Filth. I don't have money. At maraming bagay ang mahal kapag wala kang pera.

Now, I go finish Angels and Demons. 

One of those I don't like to be alone but I hate people kind of day.

I'm tired and my period just came and all I really want to do is curl up and mope in bed but trust them to not get a hint and continue to be all over your space even if you look like you're about to smack a bitch. Good times.